Ke Huy Quan has written a memoir titled Never Say Die. It’s out now, and in it he reveals that during the 2023 SAG Awards ceremony, he was so excited to be there that he was taking selfies with as many stars as he could. Quan was nominated for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role for Everything Everywhere All at Once at the time, after a lengthy absence from the silver screen.
As Quan tells it, on the big day he ran into a well-known actor whom he respected and, without thinking about it, asked for a selfie. As he was taking the selfie, Quan pulled a face out of pure joy for the moment. The well-known actor looked at him “for a beat and then said sharply, ‘Why did you make that stupid face?’ I laughed, a little surprised and not quite sure what to make of it. He shook his head and added, ‘You’re not going to win tonight with that stupid face.’”
I’m guessing this well-known actor is also good-looking, well-liked, well-compensated, and widely respected. So what was the reason? We’ve all got problems. We’re all living through unprecedented times. We’re all struggling, but the rest of us are not out here spitting venom into Data’s ear on what could possibly be one of the most memorable nights of his life. Why do some people do that—see joy and immediately want to mock it, stomp it out, or both? Is it misery? It can’t just be misery wanting company.
Ke Huy Quan reflects on uncomfortable run-in with ‘well-known’ actor at 2023 SAG Awards – ew.com
This reminds me of a time several years back at a 311 concert. This band has mega fans who follow them all over the country. Some of these folks get REALLY into the shows and put their entire bodies into the physicality of being on the rail. They’re like the personification of joy, essentially, a bubble of energy front and center stage. At this show, this particular group of mega fans was absolutely losing their minds. 311 has been around for a long time, so even though some of us started listening to them in our teens, we’re fully middle-aged now. These folks look middle-aged to me. They look like they’re knee-deep in the minivan crew in their respective suburbs. However, they are living life to the fullest at this show and I respect it, even if they were rather standoffish and kind of mean when we were all in line.
I’m also on the rail because I too am a nerd, but I’m farther down, not front and center. About 30 minutes into the show, the security guard in front of me—a young guy who looked to be in his early 20s—pulls out his phone slowly and discreetly. I notice everything, so when I saw movement in my peripheral vision, I locked in. One of the drawbacks of being on the rail at concerts is that you’re extremely visible to all the folks with cameras on stage and in the area just before the stage. If you’re really opposed to being on camera at a concert, this is probably not the spot for you. When I see the security guy pull out his phone, I’m instantly on alert because I had just seen him watching the minivan crew absolutely lose their minds. A moment of judgment flashed across his face and it registered—noted. Actually, now that I think about it, it wasn’t judgment, it was mockery. He thought it was funny and, yeah, it did look a little funny. We’re old, I get it. But then I see this guy panning. He’s recording as many of us as he can. I have exactly one beat to figure out what I’m going to do, how I’m going to react, because I am standing directly in front of him and it’s only a matter of time until I’m in frame. Will I smile so we can laugh at them together or what?
I can’t do it. Sure, these folks were kind of jerks earlier, but we all have bad days, right? If I point and laugh, too, I’m just as much of a jerk. And so I chose to use my dark, almost black eyes to bore a hole directly into this young man’s soul when the camera got to me. Because I am me, I threw in a disappointed head shake. I am nothing if not melodramatic. In that moment, our eyes locked. He knew I knew. And now he had a decision to make.
He did the right thing. He met my gaze and locked in. He saw my “don’t be a dick” head shake, took a beat to register it, and ever so slowly put his phone back into his pocket. That’s right, me and a complete stranger were faced with a choice and we chose to grow our empathy in real time. Maybe it wasn’t a lot, maybe no one else will ever notice, but in that moment, we knew. We knew what we’d done and we were cool for the rest of the night. We even gave each other one of these 😏 when it was time to go home.
It’s hella easier to not have regrets when you’re not actively trying to extinguish someone else’s joy. Besides, there is far too little joy in this world right now. Let it live. Let it grow. Let it expand instead of snuffing it out.
