I originally published this on September 14, 2005. Shortly thereafter, someone plagiarized the whole damn thing, submitted it somewhere and won a contest. That bitch. Imitation = flattery, my ass. Moving on....
As usual, I was cruising the internet looking for something to read when I came across my latest target. A “women’s only” website posted the list below. Now, normally I’m all for debunking myths. For example I am glad to know that not all Mexicans work as gardeners. It also makes me happy to see that not all black people are in gangs and that all white people are not preppy annoying penis holes. Those myths are a pleasure to debunk. Now, the myths below perplex me. Why you might ask? Well, because I don’t think they’re myths at all. Being a female, I can say with a decent degree of certainty that numbers 1-7 are indeed true.
I know an ass-load of you women out there swear you are the perfect girlfriend and you’re probably cursing in the general direction of your monitor right about now. Well fuck you, you’re not perfect and neither is anyone else. Lets get on with it shall we?
- 1.Women are never satisfied
- 2.Women are high maintenance
- 3.Women want to control men
- 4.Women are jealous and possessive
- 5.Women are too emotional
- 6.Women who appear to be strong and competent don't need to be taken care of
- 7.Women want to rob men of their freedom
Ok let’s take this slowly and one step at a time…
1. Women are never satisfied. Correct!
No, women are never satisfied. If you get a better job, she’ll want you to get a nicer car or a bigger apartment or a larger house. If you have the more desirable accommodations, she’ll then expect you to take her on better (read: more expensive) dates. Oh and don’t forget, the more you make the more expensive your fucking Christmas and Valentine’s Day gifts should be. God help you if you show up with some shitty valentine and a box of chocolates. Hell hath no fury like a woman ripped off, trust me. Fuck being scorned; we’re scorned every week when we get a smaller paycheck for doing the same job as the dude in the next cube. Scorn we can deal with, cheap gifts, we cannot.
2. Women are high maintenance. Bingo!
Of course we’re high maintenance. An individual who makes you call them before you go out, expecting a briefing on the activities for the night, is high maintenance. A person who expects yet another call the moment you cross the threshold of your dwelling to let them know you’ve gotten home, is high maintenance. A woman, who makes you plan every date you go on because you are the guy, is high maintenance. A lady that expects you to buy her flowers EVERY time some street vendor comes along to offer his wilted flora, is high maintenance. A chick who makes you wait an hour before you can leave the house because she must first paint her face and do her hair and pick out seven different outfits, until she finds the one that makes her look desirable, but not slutty, is high maintenance.
3.Women want to control men. ¡Sí!
If you hadn’t realized by now that a woman who buys you the clothes she wants you to wear, as opposed to the clothes that you want to wear, is attempting to control you, you’re hopeless and you should jump off a tall building. Splat bitch, you’re clueless.
4. Women are jealous and possessive. True!
What? You don’t think you’re jealous? You’re seriously going to sit there and tell me that, if you and your man were in a bar and some pretty, young thing were sending him drinks or winking at him, you wouldn’t get jealous? Fuck off, Mother Theresa, I don’t buy it. The next time his cell phone rings at 3:00 AM I don’t want to see you flinch or scramble to grab it before he does so you can get a peek at the incoming call. As a matter of fact strike the phrase “that’s my man” from your vocabulary while you’re at it, since you’re not possessive either.
5. Women are too emotional. You got it!
I don’t see a whole lot of men crying at the movies. I also don’t see a lot of men that break down into tears when a particularly sappy commercial comes on the television. I’ve led a pretty diverse and interesting life and I’ve had the privilege/carry the bane of, having seen a lot of things. I’ve seen a lot and I can report to you, dear reader that I’ve seen ten times as many women throwing hissy fits in the street directed at their significant others than I have seen men doing the same. I also don’t know of too many men that get together and rent movies that are meant to be emotional roller coasters so they can cry in unison. I do though, know a shit load of women that do.
6. Women who appear to be strong and competent don't need to be taken care of. Right!
Well, well, well, you only “appear” to be strong and competent, but really you’re neither. So, in essence you’re deceiving in order to manipulate. Hmmmm, that sounds pretty fucking female to me, but I digress. Women who appear to be strong and competent don’t need to be taken care of. What they need is therapy so they can stop pretending to be something they’re not.
7. Women want to rob men of their freedom. Oui!
Freedom (n.) - A right or the power to engage in certain actions without control or interference.
The preceding definition kind of infers independence then doesn’t it?
Independence (n.) - freedom from control or influence of another or others.
Now that we’ve gotten an idea of what freedom actually entails lets continue with our deconstruction of number six.
I’m assuming here that the fool that wrote this this of “myths” meant that these are seven “untruths” men believe about women they’re dating not just every woman under the sun. With this in mind, I’d like to delve a little deeper into the meaning and ultimately, the purpose of dating.
Dating (v. tr.) - An engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest.
Ok so now that we know the definition of dating we can continue. When we date we go out with someone we like because we’re romantically interested in them and would like to spend more time getting to know this person intimately. So, what exactly is the purpose of dating in the long run? Do people intend on dating forever? Not the people I know. Most of those that call themselves my friends tell me that they’re dating to weed out the freaks and find someone they wouldn’t mind sharing a life with. Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to be married, it just means that they’re dating in an effort to elect the most appropriate life partner. Now, what I hear when they tell me this is: “I’m dating around to find someone I can live with and whom I won’t want to choke the life out while they lay sleeping next to me, a month or two into the relationship.”
Ok well that’s all well and good, but when you’re in a relationship (married or not) then you have to begin thinking for two. What I’m saying is that in a relationship you have to compromise. I’m sure you’ll all agree with me there. Here’s the kicker though: there is no mention of compromise in the definitions of freedom or independence. I’m guessing it’s because if you want to be free and independent then it would be counterproductive to begin compromising. So, if you want to be in a relationship with a woman than you better learn to fucking compromise now. If you’re looking for freedom and independence, go read the Declaration at the National Archives because you’re not going to find it in a woman who’s ass-deep in a “relationship.”
That’s right, I said it; as women we’re all of the above. I’m not excluding myself because I already know I’m crazy and deranged when it comes to relationships, but guess who got me this way? Yup, a man, so don’t be so quick to high five each other you misogynistic fucks. You dudes are just as fucked as we are.